It has been 4 months since I was introduced by the well intentioned village pastor at church as ... "this is Mamma Angela... the white lady with the black heart". Since that moment the kids no longer call me muzungu but mudugav (their term for black). My actual skin color has only gotten lighter as my sun exposure has been limited but my 'black' heart is seeping through.
At this moment my black heart is breaking... a war is going on in there over trying to be tough and not think about what is going on around me versus the sensitive side that wants these children to survive and thrive. I am realizing that one of the reasons I was put on this earth was to be an advocate for children.
These children are a daily reminder of how Jesus desires us to be... open, loving, and real with one another. I have had some humbling experiences this week that have brought me on my knees before the King of the universe asking why I deserve the sweet, precious moments I have with these little brown eyed cuties.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am thinking of a few nights ago when two of the little brown eyed cuties came to my window after dark asking 'Mamma Angela May I please have food?'...they were so desperate to ask they came after dark so they wouldn't be seen and get punished. After checking into the situation... today I find out there is no food at home... their source of food and income has been ruined by the recent drought... and they are living off of sour cassava which tastes so horrible that it is being burned as kindling by our school cook.
The humbling fact is my cat get better food than that and on the particular night these little ones came to my window I had just given Sheba the leftover chicken scraps from my dinner. Jesus called us to take care of the widows and orphans... he also said that we were to feed and clothe those in need. There were no stipulations attached. How many times do I 'need' to go to the store because there is nothing to eat... when my pantry is filled and my refrigerator and freeze are stocked?
There are times my heart inwardly feels trapped in this 'small' apartment... maybe 300 to 400 sq ft... but then one of older brown eyed cuties makes a comment like 'doesn't it get scary and lonely in that big house all by yourself?'...to get me to realize that he is one of 7 that live in a mud hut the size of my apartment bedroom (around 100 sq ft)... so my apartment would seem huge to him.
I am really not trying to be the voice of conviction... just sharing the cultural as well as personal struggle that life in the village is causing. I am realizing more and more that God has brought me to this wilderness to open my eyes and strip me of my selfishness. When someone asks what my needs are and I can only come up with necessities for my brown eyed cuties...I know God is doing an amazing work because I am a very selfish person and without Jeaus my heart would truly be black!
Wow...God is doing an amazing work in you, Angela, and I am so blessed that you are sharing it. I don't perceive what you write as "the voice of conviction" at all. You are sharing what God is teaching you. The Holy Spirit will do His job of convicting. And if and when He does, so be it. You are being faithful to share what He is teaching you.
ReplyDelete♥ Dawn