Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Sock Fetish

"You are peace... You are peace... when my fear is crippling.... And oh  I'm running to your arms."

It has been an emotional roller coaster choosing to follow Christ.  Tonight I was watching "We bought a zoo." and sorting socks in to keep, trash, and pass on piles.  You would think that I was crazy if you had walked in my front door.  As I was sobbing... yes partly because of the movie but mostly with the realization that my life is changing.  All realized while sorting SOCKS!

I have a sock fetish...  I like fun socks.  These socks bring fun memories, memories of fun times... fun people... and fun places.  I know God has other fun "stuff" planned but at the moment I am struggling with being sad of leaving this fun behind and moving on into the unknown.

Tonight I just really needed a hug and someone to tell me it will be ok.  It is moments like this where my loneliness draws me to His feet.... as I look up and cry "HOLY".

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Emotional Wanderings

How do you eat an elephant???
-one bite at a time
How do you pack up an entire life in 6 months?
-one box at a time

Throughout the years, anytime I thought about moving from MKK, I just thought I would sell everything and start over on the mainland.  Well a couple things have happened...

1.  I have momentos that I can't part with (nor can they be replaced)
2.  I am not moving to the land of plenty.

Anyway about it, none of my big stuff (ie car, furniture, appliances) are worth paying to ship them back in a container (Cost ~$7,000)... nor do I have a place to ship anything to at this moment.

So as I have a few minutes, I am cleaning out and basically have three piles... to keep, to sell (or give away), and to trash.  The to keep items are being sorted and boxed.  The to sell/give away pile is currently taking over my dining room and each room has a "to trash" box.  At times it is a bit overwhelming to know that every item in my life fits into one of those three categories.  I am realizing that I can't be sentimental with everything.  The toss up tonight was what to do with all the old Bible studies and journals from the last 12 years.  After seeking the wisdom from a friend, they are getting thrown out.  My scrapbooks and blog entries will be the memories kept on my emotional wanderings.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Purpose of Loneliness

Normally when a weekend approaches I have at least a mental to-do list of all those things that didn't get done during the week.  Unfortunately this first week back from Christmas break has found me spending many long days in my office, so by the time the weekend rolled around I have no energy to do my "to do" list.  To top it all off, I also have no voice.

So my Saturday was spent doing a couple quiet projects like scrapbooking my Christmas cards and catching up on my blog and not much else.  Resting was top priority but for some reason there is always that twinge of disappointment when the day is through that I have accomplished nothing.

Days like this one make the distance feel even farther and the loneliness even deeper.  As I was finishing up my blog,  I was looking at others and found a great quote on loneliness.

"Loneliness drives us into the arms of Jesus. People will disappoint us, unfriend us, forget to call us back, or move away. But in each of us, there is an intentional God-sized hole. It’s very specific; it’s not just a love-sized hole. Only God can fill the hole completely, and that’s why He made it." 
Read more - >

There is a purpose for that restlessness and loneliness.  It is to draw us closer to God .  What an amazing thought!

Friday, January 11, 2013

New year... BIG changes

The new year has only just begun. I have been back on Molokai only a week and already some major life changing actions have been put into motion.
In some ways I want to share what God has been doing in my heart and life over the past year because it is exciting. However I fear sharing because opinions and fleshly desires interfere. If God has been teaching me anything lately, it is to fear HIM and HIM alone. So in obedience, I am sending this note.

The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.

The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.”

Psalm 19:8,9

The weekend I arrived back on Molokai from Christmas break with my family on the mainland, I submitted my letter of resignation to the school board, effective as of the end of this school year. After much prayer (and to be honest... much wrestling), I am headed to Uganda over spring break to check out a full time ministry opportunity in assisting In the Field Ministries with opening a school. If this works out I will be moving to Uganda shortly after graduate school finishes this summer to begin a new chapter in the journey God has for me.
Thank you for your continued love and support. I would also appreciate your continued prayers as things get wrapped up on Molokai and transitioned to the next step. Life with God in charge is never dull or boring.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

How much do I fear the Lord?

Through Proverbs, the fear of the LORD is mentioned.  This doesn't mean that you are afraid of God and bury your head in the sand.  The fear of the LORD is when wisdom and knowledge is gained... that awestruck wonder of the God of the universe choosing to use ME!?!?!?  It is very humbling.

Proverbs 2 verses 1 and 2 list several things that will help our hearts to understand this fear of the LORD... those things are...

Proverbs 2 (Amplified Bible (AMP)

2 My son, if you will receive my words and treasure up my commandments within you,
2 Making your ear attentive to skillful and godly [a]Wisdom and inclining and directing your heart and mind to understanding [applying all your powers to the quest for it];

Monday, January 7, 2013

I simply come...

" When the music fades and all is striped away... I simply come... Longing just to bring... something that's of worth... that will bless your heart.  I'll bring you more than a song... for a song in itself is not what you have desired."

Tonight as I was cleaning out a hall closet... deciding what to keep... what to sell... and what to trash, the Lord convicted my heart with the previous lyrics.  "Am I not more to you than stuff?"  If all that was stripped away, would Jesus still be enought?  My honest answer would be "Yes... but... is that how I really have to prove it."  My heart aches for more of Him but when He moves me closer, my flesh screams... "Wait, I don't think I am ready to give that up yet."  I simply have to come...
"His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;
the LORD delights in the those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love."
Psalm 147:10-11
It is His unfailing love that calls me to repentance and obedience despite what others around me are saying.  I have always been a people pleaser so when I know that I have to disobey people in order to obey God, my heart is sad.  BUT it is His unfailing love that draws me to obedience.
I have recently come face to face with several things that I have had to "give up" in order to fully obey God.  God has better things in store even when I don't see them in the moment.
Oh LORD, help me to trust you fully that you are a good God.  Even as my heart breaks for the things you are taking away, I am assured by your Word that every good and perfect gift is from you.  If it were good and perfect for me for right now you would have given it to me.  Don't let my short-sightedness get in the way of your long term plan for my life.  Help me to be a good steward of all you have put in my life... people, time,  money, and stuff.