Mourning

As I lay here trying to fall asleep, my mind and heart are filled with a mixture of emotions.  I am writing with the hope that if I bring my fears and feelings out into the light that the darkness will flee and I will sleep peacefully.

For months the process of moving has been tough... the letting go of things that have been so close to my heart for so long.  Most of these emotions stem from preschool but I am pretty sure it is a bit of everything.  I am going to be completely honest... to see other taking over what I have invested in for so long is really hard.  Part of me wants to know what is going on but the other part get so emotional that I no longer am apart of it.  I see the little ones and tears well up... did I do enough???  Questions are asked as to where things are or how this needs to be taken care of and I feel so inadequate... have I done enough?

I try to sleep at night and am bombarded with nightmares of all the unknowns.  I even woke up on Friday with a migraine (which I normally only get with I am super stressed.)  I don't feel stressed and this summer of grad school has been a walk in the park compared to last year.  I try praying and really feel like my prayers are just hitting the ceiling... where is that perfect peace that passes all understanding? 

I am glad people on the outside think I am focused and have it all together because on the inside I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and broken into a bagazillion pieces.  I am really glad God's word says that He came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free because He has quite a lot of pieces to put together.

I have asked for prayer from others... a couple of people have said they will pray but most when I share just a bit of what is going on just tell me "it's normal" or that I am handling things well.  What I really need is a set of strong arms holding me while their voice is praying over me audibly.

So now with tears streaming down my face, I realize that I just want to curl up in Jesus' arms and have him speak to the father on my behalf. 
"Father this ones with me... part of the family... one of the reasons I died on calvary"