After months of tying to wait patiently
and trusting God to work in great and mighty ways, I am tired of
waiting. The silence is deafening and the anxiety is creeping back
in. No one here seems to understand that I want God's ultimate
will... I keep hearing “just choose one of the options and God will
bless it.”
It scares me to think of all the unknowns and how I am
going to do it all on my own. Part of me just wants my knight in
shining armor to show up, sweep me off of my feet, and take care of
all the details... wishful thinking! When I pray I have a hard time
focusing on what God is desiring. The only thing I am hearing from
God is that I am to write and submit my letter of resignation. This
only adds to my frustration and worry as to what the future holds.
At this point is seems like Uganda is the door I am headed to... but
what about insurance, funds/support, the house, the cats, the
preschool, my parents concerns,... even as I write this my heart is
beating profoundly and there is a lump in my throat. I know God is
using this to stretch and grow me but what I really need at this
point is someone to take my hand and lead me to the next stepping
stone. This someone needs to be a shoulder to cry on as well as
whispering encouraging words in my ear as we walk along together.
Lord, I know you want to be this in my
life... allow my heart to let you. You are not a God of confusion
and I need you to make sense out of this tangled mess that I am in.
I lay my wishes and desires at your feet... I lay my expectations and
intentions before you.... I plead that you will place within my heart
a peace that passes all understanding. I have not because I ask not
so I ask for your wisdom as to what to do in the future.
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