So long 2012!

It is 2:30am on the last day of the year and I just can't sleep.  I guess this is how I would explain this year... lots of sleepless nights with God choosing to do open heart surgery.

When God is trying to change my stubborn heart to follow him... unfortunately it normally takes several sleepless nights of wrestling to get me to line up with His perfect will.  It is only appropriate to note that even though I am up my heart is at peace with the decisions He has put on it.  I can finally say that "It is well with my soul."  Twenty twelve will go down in the history books in 20+ hours as a year that I wrestled through.

Thankfully God ended victorious and for that I am blessed.  Twenty thirteen will enter with my heart headed in the right direction.  It may not be popular or what I particularly want at the moment but He sees the entire year in advance while I see only the day.  I will continue to live intentionally with no regrets following wherever He leads.  It is not my will but His!

"Those who hope in the LORD... will soar on wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31

A crossroad for faith

If faith is truly built on stepping out on things unseen... what happens to our faith when we choose to obey God and disobey man even when the outcome is unseen and not popular?

Recently I was faced with the reality of where would I be if I had disobeyed God and chose to follow man.  My path would have taken a very drastic turn.  I was told that had I moved back when he was asking we would have gotten married.  I clearly remember the question and knowing God was calling me back to Molokai.  If I had stayed in NC, I would have gotten what I thought was my hearts desire and made several others happy... however I would have displeased a Holy God.  Could God have used this situation?  Yes!  Would it have been His best? No!

At the moment, I know obedience is so much more important and that God's calling is so much more important but it means sacrificing something that I have desired for so long.  Is that what it looks like to pick up my cross and follow Christ?  In order to pick up the cross, I have to lay down my hopes and desires trusting that His way is best.

A walk down memory lane

It has been twelve years since I have lived under my parents roof (other than the occasional visit).  Slowly but surely I have gone through everything that was mine.  All but one box has either been gotten rid of or sent to Molokai. 

This morning I was going through the last box of momentos... most of which I want to keep but have no purpose for on Molokai.  In the box was a stack of cards from high school and college graduation.  As I was going through them my heart was overwhelmed by the nostalgia and encouraged by what others saw in me that I didn't see inside of my self at that point.  Many well wishers have passed away which reminds me to take each moment and make it count because we are not promised tomorrow.  The messages in the cards remind me of my calling and to put the Lord first in my life.

Living beyond our strength

In a place where many people live beyond their means... spending more than they make... it got me thinking of what God has called us to as His children.  Humanity as a whole are weak sinners that can do very little on their own.  However from the outside looking in, it looks like we have it all together.  You know what I mean... two story, four bedroom house, 2.5 children, the "perfect" spouse, all enclosed with the white picket fence.  But what would happen if all the stuff was striped away and we were left with nothing.

In the book of Job, God is bragging on his servant.  The enemy retorts that it is because he has always been kept in a perfect little bubble.  God allows the enemy to strip the perfect bubble facad off.  Through a painful process true character and strength are revealed.

Just imagine the "perfect" suburban lifestyle.  What would be left if your house burned down, your spouse left, you were fired from your job, and your children were taken away?  Would there be anger and bitterness or joy and strength?

So many times we have no problem worhshipping God when everything is going well... but what happens when things turn south?

The Warrior is a Child

While in NC for Christmas, I met up with a long time friend for lunch.  During our conversation I realized that I put on a facad of strength that I don't always feel on the inside.  When asked what my hearts desire is and hearing my answer, the friend was shocked with my response as it didn't line up with my independent, adventurous spirit.

This got me thinking of a song that dad and I used to sing called "The Warrior is a Child".  The lyrics say...

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while'
Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
 
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Most of the time I feel like a small child... not being able to do it on my own.  It is these moments that my mighty heavenly father comes alongside and provides above and beyond what I could ask or imagine.  To the outside world it may look like I have it all together but in reality it is not me at all... but He who lives within me!

My outlet

Journaling has become an outlet to me over the years.  Some of these journals have been published in blog form... many have stayed in the hand written form to live out their lives of solitude in a filled journal on a dusty shelf. 

Many of the entries end in a prayer expressing my heart to my maker.  Yes, I know He made me and knows my heart... but I really think He wants a relationship involving conversation.

It seems lately that more of my journal entries have ended asking for God to speak.  What if God is speaking but I am not hearing him for all the other voices?  What if I am not wanting to hear because it is not what I want? 

Unfortunately I know lately it has been some of both.  I want to be like Samuel that says... "Speak Lord I'm listening."

I hear voices

How many times do the voices of the world intrude our daily thoughts? Even in the midst of the season of our Savior's birth the shouts of “I want”... Go here... Do this... Buy me... drown out the small quiet voice of our Lord. God is not dead but drowned out in many cases.

These voices surrounding us each day bring about fear and anxiety rather than peace and joy. God comes to those who will take the time to listen to his quiet voice.

 

Don't get distracted by all the voices trying to get our focus off of the real meaning of Christmas. 

Wrestling with God

After a temper tantrum and a sleepless night 24 hours ago, I am seeing a bit more clearly. I am beginning to see what Jacob must have felt like after wrestling with God.

 

I have realized my timing is not God's timing.

 

I cannot force a guy to be my knight in shining armor.

 

 I am going to follow God's prompting even though I am not liking the decision at the moment.

 

I am trusting that God knows best.

 

So as of this moment, I am going to start making preparations to go to Uganda. When I get back to MKK, I will get the ball rolling. I will also submit my letter of resignation.

Meltdown 101

I feel like such a spoiled brat ready to throw a temper tantrum. I am kind of hoping that the 21^st is to be the day that Jesus comes back because I don't want to face upcoming decisions. I am normally ready for a new adventure but at this point I feel like a basket case not wanting to go anywhere...

I want to be a wife and mommy...

I want a safe, stable life...

I want to be near family and friends...

I want answers...

I want to be my best friend's helpmeet...

I want to serve God...

I want to travel...

I want to not be so emotional!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

After months of tying to wait patiently and trusting God to work in great and mighty ways, I am tired of waiting. The silence is deafening and the anxiety is creeping back in. No one here seems to understand that I want God's ultimate will... I keep hearing “just choose one of the options and God will bless it.”

 

It scares me to think of all the unknowns and how I am going to do it all on my own. Part of me just wants my knight in shining armor to show up, sweep me off of my feet, and take care of all the details... wishful thinking! When I pray I have a hard time focusing on what God is desiring. The only thing I am hearing from God is that I am to write and submit my letter of resignation. This only adds to my frustration and worry as to what the future holds.

 

At this point is seems like Uganda is the door I am headed to... but what about insurance, funds/support, the house, the cats, the preschool, my parents concerns,... even as I write this my heart is beating profoundly and there is a lump in my throat. I know God is using this to stretch and grow me but what I really need at this point is someone to take my hand and lead me to the next stepping stone. This someone needs to be a shoulder to cry on as well as whispering encouraging words in my ear as we walk along together.

Lord, I know you want to be this in my life... allow my heart to let you. You are not a God of confusion and I need you to make sense out of this tangled mess that I am in. I lay my wishes and desires at your feet... I lay my expectations and intentions before you.... I plead that you will place within my heart a peace that passes all understanding. I have not because I ask not so I ask for your wisdom as to what to do in the future.