Still waiting...

WARNING:  Being real in sharing my heart.

This weekend is difficult on so many levels for me... and I know it is selfish... and I know it is self centered... and I know that it is just where I am at the moment.  

This is me being real and sharing my heart. Maybe there are others out there that share this struggle as well... or have shared it in the past... but are carrying the burden silently.  

Know that you are loved and there are others out there that understand. It is only by sharing that we can support one another and lift one another up.  

And for all of those that have been blessed with beautiful little ones... know that through tired eyes and weary bodies... you are blessed. Treasure your little ones!

Last year while in China I really didn't have to think about it...

... the year before while in Uganda 

( http://hynangel.blogspot.com/2014/05/and-they-call-me mamma.html )

... and before that... 

(http://hynangel.blogspot.com/2013/05/on-this-side-of-empty-womb.html )

... now that I am back stateside and we have been celebrating Mother's Day all week at preschool the awkwardness has come up again on several occasion...

Oh you know the well meaning comments... when telling mom's of my preschoolers "have a happy mother's day" and they turn around without thinking and say "you too"...

Or when one says "how many children do you have?" and there is that moment of silence while you try to figure out how to most politely answer...

Or... that moment when a mom of a preschooler is "too busy" to take an hour out of their day to come celebrate at a special mother's day tea... and all I want to do is take the hurting child under my wing and let them know that they are loved.

Now before you start making comments that I am being judgemental and don't understand how difficult it is to be a mom... hold on...

Mother's are amazing creatures that God created to care for and take care of their young. As I was often reminded growing up...children do not come with owners manuals... we are all sinners saved by grace... and I truly believe that there is an extra measure of grace given to mom's as they try to do their best in raising children with the tools they have been given.

With all of this said... there have been smiles covering a breaking heart...and I hold on to the promise that God will bind up the broken hearted. There have been tears behind closed doors... and I know that He collects my tears in a bottle because He cares for me. There have been many questions of "how many years do I have to wait before I can celebrate mother's day with a child of my own in my arms???"... and I hold to the fact that the God of the universe hears my prayers and He will give me the desires of my heart in His perfect timing.

Until that "perfect timing" moment... I will trust that He has my best interest in mind and I will be His hands and feet to the children He puts in my path to love on and care for... and give that extra hug or high five.... and lift up and encourage the little ones to follow Him!