It's all my fault!

I am single.... and it is all my fault!

For many years, I have gone through times in my singleness and wondered what is wrong with me?  What am I doing wrong? I have since realized that it is not what is wrong with me or what I am doing wrong but what I am doing right!

Today I realized... it is ALL my fault that I am single.

It is my "fault" that I chose to follow God instead of man...

It is my "fault" that I am stubborn and won't settle for less than God's best...

It is my "fault" that I see many men as brothers in Christ and not necessarily as husband material...

It is my "fault" that when God says go... I listen and obey even if it means to the other side of the world...

It is my "fault" that I have guarded my heart and won't give it to just anybody...

It is my "fault" that I desire to love and be loved second only to God...

It is my "fault" that I won't allow a man to belittle or abuse me...

By this point you are probably curious what brought this tangent on today... After church today a friend and I were chatting in my parlor and I made the comment...Be on guard... he's looking for a wife... the friend responded... "I am not sure why that is a difficult thing.  When I made the decision that I didn't want to be alone any longer I have had no problem finding someone to be with."

It got me thinking... I have had some amazing guys in my life that have showed me glimpses of what I want in a husband but it is my "fault" that I have put God first.  When I made that decision to follow Christ wherever he called... that is exactly what I planned to do. 

I have recently joked that my future husband is going to need to be a fast runner to catch up with me and have very strong arms to hold on to me.  I am running this race set before me with all the strength and joy coming from Christ alone. 

So if you ask why I am still single... I will take all the blame...

It's all my "fault"... I am waiting on God's best... because He loves me more than I can imagine!

And just to clarify... this entire post was meant to be tongue in cheek.  I was laughing when I put it together at all the comments through the years that I have received from well meaning people desiring to see me get married.  After my friend left today, I was washing dishes at the sink and it hit me.... that my singleness has been my choice to follow where God leads over what people say I should/shouldn't do... so when I make that choice... I am the only one to "blame" or at "fault".  Love the feedback because it shows me that someone is at least reading my blog!!!  LOL!

Answers

God's word says "seek and you shall find...ask and the answers will be given to you".  Well for weeks I have been petitioning the throne of grace for answers to the direction he ultimately wants me going after grad school is finished.  Even though the answers I received last night look nothing how my minds eye thought they would and I know that some people in my life will be overjoyed with the decisions and others may not....I am at peace with the answers and know they are from my heavenly Father.

These answers came when I least expected in a form that caught me off guard.  Wisdom and suggestions from spiritual family was what God used this time to bring answers.  God is so faithful to provide when we ask and I am blessed!

So just in case you're wondering... nope I am not sharing my answers at this point... just that I got them and I know that all will eventually come out but at this point ... the answers aren't finished baking and I don't want to serve a half baked cake.

My wilderness

Tonight I spent some serious time with my heavenly father having a heart to heart chat.  Ultimately it started with me asking for direction and then led to all the things that I am grateful for.  I was again reminded so very gently that if it was good for me to know at the moment then I would have the direction I desire. So I guess I am still in the holding pattern of my wilderness. 

Nabisooto has become my wilderness of sorts... you know in the biblical perspective of where God leads you to grow you closer to him...to prepare you for the promised land set before you.  It has been a place where God has stripped me of my pride and selfishness... it has brought out more  weaknesses than I can count... it has led me on a quest to have a quiet and gentle spirit especially when times are tough.  It has given me solitude but not loneliness.  He has been by my side every step of this journey.  It has confirmed the true desire of my heart. It has taught me to love the unlovely. To give until it hurts. To have my heart broken when there are situations that I can't fix.  It has given me greater hope in what He is doing. 

Every aspect of this has been about Him... I can't take any credit except that I listened and obeyed.

I am grateful for...
People that believed in me even when I didn't or don't....
Those friends that keep the notes, letters, and cards coming...
Time to write...
Moments that I can dance with my brown eyed cuties...
Endless amounts of time in the evening to study God's word and pray
Prayer warriors in my life that stand in the gap for me when I don't have  the strength to fight...
Not being able to thwart the plans of God even with my strong will and stubbornness...
Obedience  in others to listen when God speaks and come along side to assist...

'I don't understand your English'

While I was cleaning up chiildren's chuch this morning... two boys came wandering up. One I recognized but it had been awhile...the other I had not met. I stopped my work to catch up with the boy I recognized in the red shirt... the other boy cowered in the shadows...curious but never coming forward. 

After a few minutes of casual catching up... how are you? What grade are you going into? And other like questions.... I turned my attention to the other boy standing before me asking the same questions....  the boy in the red shirt answers for him... "he does not speak...his mother died 5 years ago...his father two years ago...he doesn't go to school"... the boy is probably around 7 or 8 if I had to guess.

So after hearing all of this I asked... who does he live with...his jaja(grandparent)?... the response was.... all the jaja's died... in order  to lighten the mood that just got rather heavy... I asked... where does he live? Does he sleep in the matoke tree?...the boy in the red shirt looks at me very puzzled and says "I don't understand your English. Look at his clothes... he didn't have so I gave him some of mine.  We take care of him. God said we need to take care of others"

I agreed with him and told the boys that God loved them and so do I.  Within a few minutes they wandered away and it hit me...  These little ones may not understand my English at times but they understand my heart.  They are real!

All of this coming from a young man going into P5...equivalent to a 5th grader.

Treasure not trash

Numerous times in scripture children are referred to as a blessing or a treasure... even Jesus made time in his schedule to spend time with the children.  And I know I am not a parent and some people say that I don't understand but I would beg to differ.

It is appalling to me how village children are treated.   They are 'created' to work and nothing else... if education interferes with the work then it is education that is stopped.  They are taught how to dig, fetch water, and keep their compound clean from the time they are young.  They are not taught things like responsibility or the importance of maintenence of what they have.

Which brings me to the situation today that left me furious...not because it happened but because it happened TWICE!  One of our staff has her 2 year old grandson living with her.  The child is rather fussy when he doesn't get his way so needless to say anytime he whines and fusses he gets whatever he wants.  The staff's housing is about 100 yards from my apartment and the clinic... not a far distance but there are several obstacles that limit "keeping an eye on the child".  The first time the child came up to the veranda and just sat down... no words... just a pouty face.  So after several minutes I put down what I was working on and walked to inquire of the staff what the little boy needed knowing full well... he doesn't speak English and I don't speak 2 year old Luganda.  I was given the answer... he just wanted the ball to which I responded "and how am I to understand that is what he wanted?  Next time he needs something one of you get up and accompany him."

Two hours later, I am sharpening colored pencils for the classrooms and I hear a little one crying and continually say the Luganda word for Nurse....the kind of crying typical of a child getting a shot.  Knowing it is a clinic it didn't bother me until 15 minutes went by and this behavior is still going on... I again left my apartment and went over to the clinic and found the same little boy just sobbing and standing in the middle of the clinic by himself.  This time I stepped out of the clinic and saw that the staff along with two others were sitting on their front porch just chatting and having lunch.  I asked in a rather loud voice why the little one was in the clinic all by himself crying?  The response ... he is looking for the nurse.  So I went back in to the clinic to see if the nurse was in there and I got no response so I picked up the little boy, calmed him down, and we walked again to the staff's house.  I explained the situation that the nurse was not in there and the little boy had been crying and screaming for about 15 minutes.  The response was... he was supposed to be calling the nurse for lunch.  We didn't know she was not there.

Urgh!  I deposited the child and walked away before I could express what I really wanted to say.  Yes I was irritated of my work being interrupted but more bothered by the fact that this 2 year old is wandering around for 15 + minutes by himself and the only response I get is we didn't know.  This is not a one time occurance but happens numerous times a day where parents are not aware of where their children are.  Children as young as 2 and 3 are left to wander from the time they get up at 6am til dark. 

Crafting and more brown eyed cuties

Well the past two months... I have been on "summer break" from school.  My days have been spent writing policies and procedures... putting teacher and family handbooks together... and getting things ready for our 2nd year at Integrity Primary School.  The afternoons/early evenings have been spent hanging out with the brown eyed cuties.  My evenings have been spent writing and crafting!  Just some simple picts from the past couple of weeks!

Inspired by light covers at a friend's house in Kenya... I made my own!

My mat is still going... 2/3 of the way there!  Very time consuming.

My darling brown eyed cuties trying to be muzungu... we were playing with chalk!

Just absolutely precious!  Started a children's church on Sunday mornings.  Been having around 20-25 children and this is one of them enjoying her biscuit for snack.

The last of my sunflowers... harvested the seeds and roasted them... the kiddos loved them!

Sheba helping me knit a washcloth!

Ivan really wanted a pict with me so I let one of the other children take the pict with my tablet... this is the only one where our heads weren't completely cut off... and Harriet's face is adorable!

White lady...black heart

It has been 4 months since I was introduced by the well intentioned village pastor at church as ... "this is Mamma Angela... the white lady with the black heart".  Since that moment the kids no longer call me muzungu but mudugav (their term for black).  My actual skin color has only gotten lighter as my sun exposure has been limited but my 'black' heart is seeping through.

At this moment my black heart is breaking... a war is going on in there over trying to be tough and not think about what is going on around me versus the sensitive side that wants these children to survive and thrive.  I am realizing that one of the reasons I was put on this earth was to be an advocate for children.

These children are a daily reminder of how Jesus desires us to be... open, loving, and real with one another.  I have had some humbling experiences this week that have brought me on my knees before the King of the universe asking why I deserve the sweet, precious moments I have with these little brown eyed cuties.

Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am thinking of a few nights ago when two of the little brown eyed cuties came to my window after dark asking 'Mamma Angela May I please have food?'...they were so desperate to ask they came after dark so they wouldn't be seen and get punished.  After checking into the situation... today I find out there is no food at home... their source of food and income has been ruined by the recent drought... and they are living off of sour cassava which tastes so horrible that it is being burned as kindling by our school cook. 

The humbling fact is my cat get better food than that and on the particular night these little ones came to my window I had just given Sheba the leftover chicken scraps from my dinner.  Jesus called us to take care of the widows and orphans... he also said that we were to feed and clothe those in need.  There were no stipulations attached.  How many times do I 'need' to go to the store because there is nothing to eat... when my pantry is filled and my refrigerator and freeze are stocked? 

There are times my heart inwardly feels trapped in this 'small' apartment... maybe 300 to 400 sq ft...  but then one of older brown eyed cuties makes a comment like 'doesn't it get scary and lonely in that big house all by yourself?'...to get me to realize that he is one of 7 that live in a mud hut the size of my apartment bedroom (around 100 sq ft)... so my apartment would seem huge to him.

I am really not trying to be the voice of conviction... just sharing the cultural as well as personal struggle that life in the village is causing.  I am realizing more and more that God has brought me to this wilderness to open my eyes and strip me of my selfishness.  When someone asks what my needs are and I can only come up with necessities for my brown eyed cuties...I know God is doing an amazing work because I am a very selfish person and without Jeaus my heart would truly be black!